Rezeki is subjective

Friday 6 September 2019, 1:11 AM

Hi. It has been awhile. I’ve decided to write again. It has been 3 years since my last post, many things happened. 

Tergerak hati untuk writing sebab idk where or who to share this with. I want to talk about feelings. As I felt (well still am feeling something as I’m writing this) a lot today.

I just lost my Wan, maternal side. It is the month of September now and last time I went back to Pekan was April. Surprisingly, 10 days ago Wan ajak anak bongsu (my pak cik) datang Bentong melawat dua anak dia kat sini (Mak and Mak Ndak). That was so not like Wan. She hated tinggalkan rumah dia. Somehow dia datang dari jauh melawat kami. Kebetulan I was home that weekend. Rezeki dapat jumpa dia :)

Hari ni I saw her. She looked so peaceful, macam tidur je. Kakngah ajak mandikan and kafankan. I said no coz I can’t, I tak stop crying. Not sobbing crying but tears yang tak berhenti, red eyes. I was just watching them persiapkan Wan. 

And then lastly masa mandikan tu, dorang sikatkan rambut dia. Somehow that hit me the most. I had to toleh belakang and wiped my tears. I didn’t want to go to kubur so my uncle suruh I hantar balik one of the mak cik yang tolong uruskan jenazah. We had a meaningful talk during that short drive. 

She said, “Kematian yang macam tu yang orang nakkan. Dia pergi masa dia boleh bercakap lagi, tak sakit panjang.” She got a point. So I took it as rezeki Wan. Then dah sampai rumah mak cik tu. Tetiba tergerak hati nak pergi kubur. Sampai kubur, baru je tutup liang lahad. Lagi satu rezeki Wan yang I terribly envy, kubur dia betul-betul sebelah arwah Aki. Sebelah-menyebelah. Aki meninggal April 2017, when I was still in Kazakhstan.

Dalam banyak2 tempat kosong kat tanah perkuburan tu, orang penuhkan tempat-tempat sekeliling kubur arwah Aki. In a span of 2 years, ada one available spot right next to Aki. Ya Allah I don’t how to describe how I felt. Sumpah they tak de cop/chop petak ke apa ke. Tak. Ni kaut pakai backhoe tu. Alhamdulillah for another rezeki.

Sampai semula ke rumah kampung, I sat down with my mom dalam bilik Wan. Mak tunjuk ni duit Wan tinggal untuk buat belanja. I was so touched to see she used the purse I gave her as souvenir from KZ. Touched that she actually used it, bukan simpan dalam almari je. And it is still in good condition!

I have to go back to Bentong as I have to drive my dad for his ortho appointment tomorrow. Nak balik tu, I found myself tercari-cari Wan bila nak salam semua pak cik mak cik nak balik. It felt different. 26 years of living, setiap kali balik Pekan, dia ada. This time dah different. She dah tak de to sit dekat mata tangga pintu rumah and lambai to us when we honk. Again, that hit different weh.

Lastly, in a way, God is Great Planner indeed sebab dia permudahkan urusan Wan, serta urusan anak-anak cucu-cucu Wan. Kebetulan I’m on one week break from work, my sisters pon senang je balik despite their husband kerja tempat baru. 

Seeing Mak mandikan mak dia, I wonder one day I boleh ke that strong to do the same? Or the other way around, if I die first, I hope dia tetap kuat just like how she did today. She tak nangis pon, just mata berair. She’s the kind yang tak tunjuk to people, even to us kids. I hope she’s okay. 

It’s 1:50 now and I have to get up at 4.30! I better get some sleep now. 

I’ll read this again from now and then, to remind myself how to feel indescribable things, to feel ‘redha’ with apa yang dah ditentukan Allah. I wanna be closer to God. I hope this is my baby step to it, in sha Allah

second year is starting soon

One week left of me golek-golek kat rumah. 2 months of sem break, I naik gila sikit la. Sikit je. Heeee.

Packed my clothes already. 50% done. Ditch banyak stationery, tak guna pon. I spend a lot on stationery like colour pencil, whiteboard markers etc. Was a teacher, harap maklum. So this time around bawak mana yang essential je.

Room is in big mess. It's the time of the month, and my laptop jadi hot pack tuam my tummy (or what I called my womanhood area to my beau last night on the phone, he laughed)

On a different note, me and my best bud had plan for a holiday, which is gonna be 6 days away. It took us 2 months of planning. She is in charged of the flight booking, choosing seat etc, me hotel and preparing the itinerary.

Planning is a stressful job. You want it to be perfect, and don't want to miss any tempat menarik. So far I've got the 4 days 3 nights activities covered, like where are we gonna go. Cuma places to eat je I malas to narrow it down. Just gonna find some halal food along the way, coz kalau I strictly nak plan to eat kat some kedai ni ke, macam put too much expectation, and bila food tu biasa-biasa je, mula la kan. So let's not be bitchy about food! And kalau tak sedap, senyap je hahaha.

I was so shocked that my parents allow me to do this. Like dude, they trust me!

And hey, I recently bought an action camera for this trip. I will write a review about it, when I rasa rajin nak menulis kan.

Til then.

4 AM thoughts

1. I'm blogging again since I dah reduced my social network 'usage', no longer on Facebook and Twitter, giving up Snapchat too (gimme a break, blog doesn't do much damage compared to those stated). Instagram je I can't let go.
2. I reverted all my previous post, I malu laaaa baca old posts hahahahaha
3. And I won't post "oh look what I just bought at Sephora" kind of post, unless it's an affordable thing, who doesn't like something that doesn't cost a fortune kan? Lipstick paling mahal I own pon is 30 hengget je, I don't know how people can spend hundreds on one lipstick or one shawl/tudung.

I nak cakap ni. I applied for JPA. Permohonan anda tidak berjaya kays. Sedih. Hahahaha. Now that I am back being a student sangatlah menyakitkan hati lolololol and yes I think about quitting like everyday. Tambah-tambah lagi tengok kawan dah kerja dah pakai kereta sendiri. And I was like "I am supposed to be working my ass off and gaining 3 years of working experience instead of 3 years in uni"

And hey, I tak malu nak share this here. It is to clarify why I'm unhappy in uni. I think I'm too old for that shit.

I will share banyak things lagi. I nak cerita banyak benda and post banyak pictures without me sounding like I'm showing off my life. I point benda ni coz like other women, I stalked. And came across someone di luar sana, big fat brag-ger. In fact, I promised my bf and my sis I'm not gonna stalk him/her anymore.

I usually tell people "I'm full of hatred." Hatred and dengki from my point of view are two different thing. Hatred; you simply hate this person without any reason and don't wanna be like them. Dengki; you wanna be in his/her shoes. Okay lemme point out an example. Hatred - Pe hal dia ni. Okay fine dah taubat dah berubah. Tapi asal kat instagram nak tulis jutawan termuda, showing off his cars and all his harta? Dengki - Ugh tahu laa putih lawa, pakai apa pon lawa. Hashtag huntung yaaaaa. Kalo aku putih gebu gebas kurus cenggini pon boleh laku jual tudung apa bagai.

Ha, see my point tak?

Okay my LAST POINT, I kurangkan scrolling my Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat because I can't have what most people have. Kawan dah ada kerja, I can't have that. Kawan ada kereta baru, I can't have that. Kawan kawen, I can't have that. Kawan own a business and doing really well, I can't have that. Ini simply dengki, but a good kind of dengki. Honestly I'm happy for them, and wanna have what they have.

And hatred is different, hatred is "show off gila, fuck off"

Pleaseeeeeee say you get it now? Please? I'm not alone kan?

LDR

Bukan Lana Del Ray.

It's long distance relationship.
Yeap. Walaupun tak la jauh macam he's in other continent or something. KL - Pahang, apa la sangat.

But the distance drives both of us nuts!
As what he always says to me "you drive me kacang!" And ends with a giggle.

:)

I think I'm gonna pop up earlier, surprise him with his favourite cup of coffee after work. We're gonna have our dinner tonight. I'm in town just for a couple of days.

Then...

Bermula la ordinary life back home.

Sigh...

Love is in the air

Yes. I was busy in love.
Lol.

Busy still :)

Counting the days, the weeks, the months.
We'll make it to a year, hopefully! Haha

Masa

Bukan jenis perengus yang asyik dok kata "ei cepat la sikit masa berjalan" "cepat la esok" "lambatnya hari ni berjalan"

Dari kecik cikgu aku ajar ini kata-kata orang yang rugi. Dan dia ada bacakan sepotong hadis yang pasal menunggu petang, menunggu malam tu. Okay googled it. Ni dia.

Dari Ibn Umar r.a., katanya : " Rasulullah SAW telah memegang bahuku dan bersabda : ' Anggaplah dirimu di dunia ini sebagai seorang perantau, atau pengembara. ' Maka Ibn Umar berkata : "Jika engkau berada di waktu petang, maka janganlah engkau menunggu pagi. Dan jika engkau berada di waktu pagi maka janganlah engkau menunggu petang. Gunakanlah waktu sihatmu sebelum datang waktu sakit. Dan gunakanlah waktu hidupmu sebelum datang waktu mati. "

Tak de malam, pagi petang la -,-

Okay. My point. Hari ni aku tak larat sangat. Aku mintak sangat cepatlah 2nd of may. Aku dah tak boleh hadap practicum ni. Sebenarnya aku tak nak cerita aku buat teaching practice sangat kat orang. Tapi kengkadang ada good days, good moment dengan students yang aku eagerly nak share.

Cuma hari ni aku tergolong dalam orang yang sangat rugi. Sebab aku mintak masa berjalan pantas. Aku penat.

Mengajar memang penat. Unexpected. Suara aku yang sebesar alam ni pon boleh tenggelam dengan dorang.

Main point aku is aku penat. Penat dengan budak? Tak, itu aku boleh bear lagi.

Tapi hari ni aku penat dengan cikgu. Cikgu yang lousy yang sampai tahap aku nak hambur kata caci maki kat dia tapi aku pendam sengsorang.

Banyak aku nak cerita pasal cikgu busuk hati kat sekolah tu.

Kengkadang aku percaya "there's two type of people ; the good and the bad." Cikgu kat sini tak de in between. Yang baik tu seriously baik gila aku rasa macam nak belanja dia makan sampai meletop perut dia. Tapi yang menyakitkan hati tu, nak je aku cakap "bangang abadi."

Aku akan regret reading this in future.

Just stay tuned to my side of story okay?

SA

Shah Alam.
What about shah alam?

Used to mention it here i hate shah alam so much!
People called it shah alam darul bulatan.

Bulatan.
That's the thing i hate the most about shah alam.
Yes, bulatan as in round-about tu.

Selama my almost-4-years of driving experience, i tak pernah jumpa bulatan sekiller bulatan kat shah alam.
I almost died. Few times dah.

Yesterday.
I honked gila babeng panjang dan lama biar kau rasakan sakit ke tak jantung aku.
Kereta lain berhenti sebab i kat main road nak masuk simpang, you yang tak menyempat masuk main road bulatan tu.
Dah la tak menyempat cilok jalan orang, yang kau teragak-agak bantai berhenti tengah bulatan tu pasaipa?

Satu je kat bulatan ni.
Jangan teragak.
Kau rasa sempat nak masuk, masuk cepat.
Kalau tak, tunggu je la sampai nampak jarak yang selamat.
Tu pon susah ke?
Tunggu la kejap, tak salah pon kan, tak rugi apa pon.
Lain la kalau kau terkial-kial berminit-minit tunggu sampai tak de kereta, memang hangin la orang belakang.

I bukan jenis suka hon orang.
Kalo keluar with my friends je, dorang mesti like "maigod sya nape ko tak hon jeeeee"
Tak suka. Malas nak kecikkan hati orang.
Sebab mungkin dia tak tau jalan. First time masuk jalan bandar ke.
Kau pon dulu pernah kat tempat orang macam tu.
Jangan berlagak sangat.
Kita semua start dari bawah.

Kepada kereta yang aku hon tu.
Maaf aku hon kereta awok.
Tapi awok membahayakan banyak pihak.
Saya tak kahwin lagi tahu?
Sekian sahaja.

Till then, pinnn pinnn.

So I'm 21 huh?

I turned 21 few days ago.
On khamis, 30 January.

So apa i buat on my bday's eve?
I stayed home, slept really early lol!
Penat kot as i tengah doing my LI now.
Practical. Practicum. Internship. That thingy.
So it's just another ordinary week kot this year punya bday (well i thought so haha).

That morning i woke up with flooding whatsapp and text messages.
Though i deactivated my Facebook account on purpose (i hate those bertubi-tubi posts on my wall i must say).
I tak sangka my friends remember my bday kot! Hahaha.
I ada an army of cool buds i tell u.
From primary school, high school, college, colleague, and the list go on. So does ex bf(s) btw haha.
Okay okay.

So macam biasa 6.30 i dah keluar to work. A bit late sebenarnya 6.45 ;p was so busy betulkan my selendang.
Then after work on my way home drop by amek my sis kat ktm.
I was so surprised! She was holding something (definitely a cake) all the way from shah alam! Awww so sweet of you ebab!

Then we went home, bentong. Sampai-sampai je bukak tudung saji thereeeee were my favourite lauk i was like homaiii.
Okay. Tapi kita tengok kek dulu. Carrot cake okay! So yumm. Seriously. Thanks sistahs. Last year was red velvet, this year was carrot cake. I'm that lucky i know! Dan kek tu sepantas kilat laku.

Malamnya, went to bed early as usual. And i dah pindah bilik, memberi laluan kepada soon to be married sistah. So my single bed (sobbing) tu mengadap tingkap. Belakang rumah kitorang ada mcm hutan sikit and a new neighbourhood. And seriously i got clear view of fireworks pong pang pong pang. Like 30 mins non stop, right kat my window. And deep inside, i tell myself, it can't get any better than this.

;)

Move on to the next day, mak made pulut kuning. I thought it was because my wan and mok de and pok man and cousins are coming, but then she told them it was for me, for my birthday ;) awww was so touched by that okay mak. Haha.

And yes. I got everything with me now. Everything. Everyone. Despite i was a little bit devastated that my friends can't make a little bit effort on seeing me on my big day, tak pe, wishes pon dah cukup. So overwhelm by the doa, harap-harap tak putus doa u guys for me. Amin.

Here's to 21 years old!

Till then, muahx.

2013

"probably lambat sedekad" is my fav line. hihi.

okay. let's sum up my 2013, yang senonoh je la kot?

sem 4 & sem 5

sis got this cute lanyard for me.

some of my classmates.

'woke up late' look.

big book ; Thumbelina.

partner in crime.

ni je one and only mock teaching yang i think i nailed it. lol.

kalau i upload semua gambar on my 2013 folder, memang flooded with our face.

eyebag teroq. sleepless night buat pizza.

selendang mak.

not sure what the occasion, after raya kot.

DL

my sis got married!

GAD

BFFs leaving me :(

random

okay malas caption semua. bai.