Friday 6 September 2019, 1:11 AM
Hi. It has been awhile. I’ve decided to write again. It has been 3 years since my last post, many things happened.
Tergerak hati untuk writing sebab idk where or who to share this with. I want to talk about feelings. As I felt (well still am feeling something as I’m writing this) a lot today.
I just lost my Wan, maternal side. It is the month of September now and last time I went back to Pekan was April. Surprisingly, 10 days ago Wan ajak anak bongsu (my pak cik) datang Bentong melawat dua anak dia kat sini (Mak and Mak Ndak). That was so not like Wan. She hated tinggalkan rumah dia. Somehow dia datang dari jauh melawat kami. Kebetulan I was home that weekend. Rezeki dapat jumpa dia :)
Hari ni I saw her. She looked so peaceful, macam tidur je. Kakngah ajak mandikan and kafankan. I said no coz I can’t, I tak stop crying. Not sobbing crying but tears yang tak berhenti, red eyes. I was just watching them persiapkan Wan.
And then lastly masa mandikan tu, dorang sikatkan rambut dia. Somehow that hit me the most. I had to toleh belakang and wiped my tears. I didn’t want to go to kubur so my uncle suruh I hantar balik one of the mak cik yang tolong uruskan jenazah. We had a meaningful talk during that short drive.
She said, “Kematian yang macam tu yang orang nakkan. Dia pergi masa dia boleh bercakap lagi, tak sakit panjang.” She got a point. So I took it as rezeki Wan. Then dah sampai rumah mak cik tu. Tetiba tergerak hati nak pergi kubur. Sampai kubur, baru je tutup liang lahad. Lagi satu rezeki Wan yang I terribly envy, kubur dia betul-betul sebelah arwah Aki. Sebelah-menyebelah. Aki meninggal April 2017, when I was still in Kazakhstan.
Dalam banyak2 tempat kosong kat tanah perkuburan tu, orang penuhkan tempat-tempat sekeliling kubur arwah Aki. In a span of 2 years, ada one available spot right next to Aki. Ya Allah I don’t how to describe how I felt. Sumpah they tak de cop/chop petak ke apa ke. Tak. Ni kaut pakai backhoe tu. Alhamdulillah for another rezeki.
Sampai semula ke rumah kampung, I sat down with my mom dalam bilik Wan. Mak tunjuk ni duit Wan tinggal untuk buat belanja. I was so touched to see she used the purse I gave her as souvenir from KZ. Touched that she actually used it, bukan simpan dalam almari je. And it is still in good condition!
I have to go back to Bentong as I have to drive my dad for his ortho appointment tomorrow. Nak balik tu, I found myself tercari-cari Wan bila nak salam semua pak cik mak cik nak balik. It felt different. 26 years of living, setiap kali balik Pekan, dia ada. This time dah different. She dah tak de to sit dekat mata tangga pintu rumah and lambai to us when we honk. Again, that hit different weh.
Lastly, in a way, God is Great Planner indeed sebab dia permudahkan urusan Wan, serta urusan anak-anak cucu-cucu Wan. Kebetulan I’m on one week break from work, my sisters pon senang je balik despite their husband kerja tempat baru.
Seeing Mak mandikan mak dia, I wonder one day I boleh ke that strong to do the same? Or the other way around, if I die first, I hope dia tetap kuat just like how she did today. She tak nangis pon, just mata berair. She’s the kind yang tak tunjuk to people, even to us kids. I hope she’s okay.
It’s 1:50 now and I have to get up at 4.30! I better get some sleep now.
I’ll read this again from now and then, to remind myself how to feel indescribable things, to feel ‘redha’ with apa yang dah ditentukan Allah. I wanna be closer to God. I hope this is my baby step to it, in sha Allah
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